inside my head

 I think about drawing, painting, and tattooing more than I spend time doing it,, and I'm somewhat  embarrassed to say that to the world. Their is no room for error or lack of expression on this planet, people are judgemental and unforgiving. I think my paychecks are far too small for the amount of time and energy I put in, and yes, we would all like to have more value to our function. I think the ocean is the only place that I can go to and feel nothing and everything at the same time. I need more time to do things with my family, they need me and no matter what I do or say, or how much time I spend, I will always feel like a slacker and I'm letting them down. My wife is the most amazing person I've had the grace of loving, and she deserves better than I will ever be able to give her. I feel myself sinking into a depression over the fact that I am still paying my bills by construction, my trade is valuable none-the-less, but taxing on the body, and no matter how well something is made, people choose to find the single flaw. Isn't it nice to see something a man made as opposed to your IKEA pressed fit, snap together trash that wont even burn because it is packed full of recycled plastic and rat killer. I force myself to grow as fast as possible as an artist, and know I want to do things with art that can change the way people think about their life, so I sleep very little and when I try to sleep, I cant. I havent been able to sleep my entire life, I remember telling my mother when I was very young, and the years of adulthood have compounded my spinning mind. I have massive goals for myself that I force myself to reach, only to realize I've ruined my goal in the first place, because all I wanted was to have fun, and love, and give, and nothing in this world is that simple. Sometimes I think I belong on a boat, with my wife and kids next to me, completely free of communication with the outside world for the rest of my life. I couldnt put up with myself for that long, but you get my drift...... I want to be normal, but what the fuck is normal. I am, and you are, and we are all in this shit together. I remember what I wanted when I was a boy, to be an artist, a musician, anything to do with art. I remember my grandpas tattoos on his arms from when he was in the service, I thought he was the coolest man ever, just because he had those tattoos. So now I am those things, and battling every god damn second to be better at them. Life, in itself is all of this for me, it is my blessing, and my curse. thats it.